Cruising Sailors Forum Archive

read your cute story. I liked the story line and almost all the writing. Coupla places seemed...
In Response To: Short Story ()

...a mite underwritten. "Rifle" in the last sentence was short a letter. You could flesh out the moment she comes into his bed a bit, make us care more about their evolving relationship which would IMHO produce more impact at the end in terms of loss. I can't recall the other places at this moment, have to write them down, only a couple. I'm sort of recalling when Timmy leaves saying she's being harsh or somesuch. I kinda thought at the moment of reading he might, being immature and self centered, say "you're not being fair" or somesuch, mebbe not.

I enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing it.

Messages In This Thread